ms. sparkles cupcake mcprincess (xtinystudx) wrote in victimadvocates,
ms. sparkles cupcake mcprincess
xtinystudx
victimadvocates

*This is cross posted from my personal journal because I think it's relevant to this community. If it's not, please delete it. *

I just woke up from the most horrible dream and I don't want to close my eyes again for a while, so I decided to document it. It has made me realize that
A) I should not read true crime before bed.
B) Spending my professional time dealing with DV/SA is going to affect me in profound ways I haven't even thought of yet. This is the first time it's infiltrated my dreams in over 9 months of working.

NOTE: This could be triggering around issues of domestic violence, sexual assault, kidnapping, horrible-ness. Please read cautiously and practice self care.

I was in a public bathroom, going to use a stall. As I opened the door, a man grabbed me from behind and pushed me inside. I knew the bathroom was full of people, so I started screaming and flailing under the stall--assuming someone would quickly come rescue me. But no one would. I screamed for my friend and she told me that she didn't feel like she should interfere. I called 911 and they told the guy he could always slice my vocal cords if I was making too much noise.

He took me to his friend's house and I made an impassioned plea. He laughed at me. It should be noted at this time that I don't think he ever hurt me, but kept me in line with the constant threat of beating, raping, or killing me.

He took me to a cabin that appeared to be somewhere on my school's campus. He made me a candlelight dinner on a picnic table and I realized possibly my only option to stay alive would be to pretend I didn't want to escape; to pretend I was falling in love with him and maybe then I could reason with him. So I tried and it seemed like it was working for a while and he trusted me enough to leave me there for a while while he went back to his friend's house.

While I was alone there, many people passed by me but this time instead of screaming or escaping, I put my head down and ignored them. My intentions at this point were not clear to me, so I don't know if I was plotting a better way out or if I had resigned to my fate. I'm guessing the latter though. I remember looking around and realizing that if some guy grabbed me and took me off to rape me, it might not be so bad because he'd probably let me go after and I could be free.

So as I was waiting for him to come back, this animal showed up. It looked like a lion but I remember thinking it could have also been a large freaky dog. At one point it looked like a horse. I mention this only because animals are often significant in dreams.

So the guy comes back (I don't at all remember what he looked like except I think at times he looked like Julie, but that's probably only because she was the last face I saw before sleeping or something)and I'm trying my best to cuddle up to him and when I have him in a good mood I say, "I only wish you wouldn't hold me hostage" and I tried to explain to him that by doing that, he was controlling me and that wasn't a part of a strong healthy relationship. He got mad and decided to take me fishing.

While fishing, I asked him to promise that if he did decide to kill me (which at this point was looking more and more inviting if the alternative was a life of being a hostage)to please give my family something to bury. All I wanted was for them to have some piece of me to be able to remember and grieve over. He said that I was being silly and that I thought death was such a big deal but really it wasn't and that my parents would be glad to have lower bills because I wasn't there anymore. And then to prove his point of insignificance, he threw his keys into the water. And then he laughed at me and went to get a spare pair.

At this point I must have forced myself awake and I woke up sobbing. Even right now I'm all teary-eyed and do not want to go back to sleep. I feel like in the course of a few minutes (I read somewhere that while dreams seem like they last hours it's really only a few minutes)I just experienced the cycle of what an abused woman goes through. Man, that was draining.
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Those kinds of dreams are draining...I used to have nightmares all the time when I started working at the shelter. Not so much anymore, but sometimes. I think it just takes time.